sometimes i don't mind waking up to lukewarm liquor and beer

the taste of you on my lips

is the only buzz i need

dull life

lush life

sometimes

are the same

cold night

hot night

one doesn't

necessarily

cause the other

harsh words

stinging tears

these always

come together

and sometimes

the world flicks you off

and everything you think you know

isn't

dull life, cold night, harsh words

lush life, hot night, stinging tears

i used to look for you around every corner

and listen for your voice in every crowd

when we met, my heart fluttered,

and like a fool i thought that meant,

"at last," 

when in reality, it actually meant,

"not again."

love is just four letters but is one of the biggest words i know (and i know a lot, i like to read). no word of any other length - long, short, complex, simple, has the same effect on people. love kills, love hurts, love lifts you up then drops you. no other word fucks you up as much as love. but at the same time, it's wonderful. it's the only thing i can think of that people willingly go back to, regardless of how much it hurt last time. nothing touches love - it's powerful and disgraceful - makes a fool out of everyone and yet it's what dreams are made of, fairytales are based on and poems are written about. i love love - even if it does have a tendency to dropkick my heart.

close your eyes

hit the sheets

and dream out loud

in technicolor.

what are dreams if not enhanced reality?

love on

give vision to your hate

and live beyond your means

in your dreams

it's just for you

so do it big

my hopes and fears

are tangible only when

i'm unconscious

in the dead of night

and while i could deal

with more real life

dreams come true,

i'm okay with the situation

i have going for me now

dreams never let me down.

my heartaches are self-inflicted.

i choose to get involved in bad situations,

no-good situations, that can only end one way -

with a heart that hurts,

a heart crying for pain relievers.

but it happens with such frequency

so i can't blame anyone but me.

i put myself out there

i act forward

i'm an accessory in the cause of my pain.

but i do it for a reason:

the pain lets me know i'm real

lets me appreciate the days my heart smiles

without the heartache,

i'd be dumb -

there is no enlightenment when all you feel

all the time

is good.

eventually that "good" feels like nothing

because that's all it really is -

a hollow emotion

substance-less because it has no foundation - 

no memories of heart burn to give meaning to good.

my heartaches are self-inflicted

because it helps define my heartsmiles

and reinforces the fact that i'm alive

with a heart strong enough

to handle one more hurt

one more ache

one more burn.

have you ever wondered how many versions a story has?

all those people,

all those points of view...

conflicting,

incomplete,

searching.

whose story is real?

whose is missing the integral piece?

what is the integral piece?

whose version of the story allocated that title,

and why was it taken at face value?

all those people,

all those points of view...

there is no face value,

nothing to be taken for granted.

when someone publishes their story,

it's automatically taken as the popular version.

any dispute is just that -

disputing the facts.

one voice over another.

have you ever wondered how many versions a story has?

you won't need to -

it doesn't matter -

not everyone cares enough to speak out.

"Your heart is my pinata"

my heart is your smorgasbord

fill up

then leave.

ravage the serving platters

and drink up

'til you're sick.

get your money's worth

before moving on

to the next establishment,

the next heart,

maybe that one will be another

all-you-can-stuff-in-your-face

or maybe it wont.

that's the chance you take

when you leave.

my love is a monsoon,

only seemingly endless.

it comes in waves, in droves,

on schedule.

in some countries, it's marked on the calendar,

built into the year,

you can swear by its entrance

and eventual exit.

my love is a monsoon,

it comes and goes like the seasons.

when it's around, it's stronger than a stampede of horses.

and when it's gone, 

you don't miss it.

my love is a monsoon

it effects, hits, touches, falls on, kisses everyone

within a certain radius.

stories are told of its damages

to farther off, arid lands.

yes, it can rain that much.

yes, it can fall for days on end.

yes, it changes our life without fail.

my love is a monsoon.

we began in the summer,

seemingly suited for one another

when days where long

and nights warm.

but then the suns tarted to shine less

and it got colder.

we got colder

towards each other.

we were curt

and seemingly started to care less

about responding.

in the depth of winter,

we were silent,

like the sound of the absence of birds.

it's spring now

and i hear chirping daily

but still not from you

and i know you experience the same

and that's how it will stay.

we began last summer

and that's how far it went.

NYC

change of pace

change of location

scenery

buildings that kiss the sky

towering over jealous trees

that go for miles

in the city's heart

history

hidden behind old world facades

along its moldings

smothered in the walls

i need a change

a place where people walk

because it's quicker

and not the other way around.

i could leave now

an adventure awaits

i have no direction in life

and i've never felt better

but still i sit in one place

like a good child

hiding behind the facade of purpose

in a place where trees outreach the buildings

and the closest they get to kissing the sky

is their leaves holding baited breath

lips puckered

for contact that will never materialize

scenery

change of location

change of pace

life is like a polaroid...

snap up the good times

then shake it out

bare branches

whipped by ice gales

eventually feel the breath

of spring

before hiding behind

dresses of leaves

just in time

for the arrival of birds

who prefer their perches

done up and well-coiffed

How Does It Feel

Palahniuk

Why is it that more often than not, I find Chuck Palahniuk's words to be the closest to absolute truth that I've ever found in a book (of any kind)? He's been quoted as saying, "My goal is to create a metaphor that changes our reality by charming people into considering their world in a different way." And while I don't feel "charmed" by Palahniuk's writings, I do feel like it's changed my reality - in that he says things that I agree with, before I even think them, or realize I'm thinking them. (Does that make sense?) 

Par exemple:

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person." Invisible Monsters

"We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." Diary

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known." Invisible Monsters

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create." Choke

"We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens." Fight Club

"In a world where billions believe their deity conceived a mortal child with a virgin human, it's stunning how little imagination most people display." Rant

"No matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close." -Invisible Monsters

"That's why I write, because life never works except in retrospect. You can't control life, at least you can control your version." Stranger than Fiction

"Until you find something to fight for, you settle for something to fight against."

"Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly - all these make for great stories."

"What we don't understand we can make mean anything."

"Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education."

I can read and re-read his stories over and over, every single time picking out a new favorite quotation or passage. Unlike other authors I loved in high school and revisit with disappointment (coughsalingercough), Palahniuk does me right every time. I can only hope that one day someone will read my words and feel even an inkling of what I feel for Palahniuk; they'll read and think "why, that's exactly what I've always felt, but I've never been able to put it that eloquently before". 

Wait, why am I on facebook again?

i'd offer you my hand

but letting go would hurt too much

and letting go is eventual

so instead i'll imagine the warmth

and i'll imagine that is enough

even though we both know it isn't

but imaginations wont hurt me

as much as your hand

letting go of mine

to find someone else's

Skins

Okay call me Miss Late to the Game but I just started watching Skins.

And I'm in love.

Yet another reason the UK > the US, I'd say.

Especially this scene, which now I can't stop thinking of whenever I hear "Alice Practice":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar7QXqz0ZSI

It starts off with loud and perfect music then just evolves 

into the heartbreaking embrace with clutching and silent understanding.