Sometimes Prayers are Answered

Sitting shotgun, I prayed for the better of two evils while you steeled yourself for the worst.

Sitting shotgun, we sat in silence and preoccupied our minds with drastically different thoughts. I hoped and prayed to be home in bed within the hour, while you wondered about how I would get home at all.

Everyone believes they are invincible, until the moment they realize that is a lie. We all need that moment, and the earlier we experience it, the better. Before tonight, I believed that everyone needed their own moment. That, in order to learn, you had to experience fear firsthand. Tonight, I learned that in some cases, someone else's fear is good enough. It works well enough.

Sitting shotgun, I knew that I would never have to experience what you went through in order to learn your lesson. Every once in a while, people are allowed to have shared experiences and learn the same lesson simultaneously.

Every once in a while, the powers that be answer prayers you did not even know you had. Every once in a while, you get the kick in the teeth that you needed without any of the pain.

Tall, Dark, and Handsome

Regardless of how much attention you pay him throughout the night,
if, at the end, you are getting into a car with tall, dark, and handsome
and it is not him,
you have succeeded.
Any misgivings should fly out the window.
Because even if nothing happened with tall,
dark,
and handsome,

He does not have to know.
He assumes the worst
which is the best.

The Universe Doesn't Mind Fucking You Over

I am beginning to think that alone is okay, even if it is forever. But the idea of “alone” is ambiguous and can occur when surrounded, or even in those moments right before sleep.

We do not all think of “alone” in the same way.

The “alone” that I am slowly becoming okay with is the romantic type. Of never finding him, of him never finding me. Some are not made for love, while some are; but never get to have it. Some days I think because I want it so much, it will not happen.

I have over twenty years of proof to show me that you do not always get what you want, or what you believe you deserve. I have years of proof to show me that the universe likes to fuck you over like that.

Are We Friends?

Evaluating relationships leads to startling discoveries. Mostly, I learn about the depths of myself that I (unsuccessfully) tried to hide, or the quirks that I can no longer hide from. Questioning leads to self-discovery which leads to actualization and betterment.

When I question my relationships, I grow. Regardless of whether the problem is with someone else or myself, I always find something in me to confront, to work on, to change. When I question my relationships, I am doing something right because in the end, I grow from it.

Wondering is not for naught.

Every time I feel taken aback is important to note, every furrowed brow means something. I wouldn’t create problems for myself if it wasn’t warranted. I wouldn’t question a friendship if I didn’t feel like both parties were somehow losing out. At this point, I don’t want to surround myself with just anyone. I want everyone around me to be meaningful, just like I want to be meaningful to everyone around me.

I am old enough to know that questioning something doesn’t mean it is automatically bad and I am young enough to know that questioning doesn’t mean everything is okay.