i can talk myself out of expecting to hear from you. i can talk myself into lower expectations. i do this to stifle the hurt if you don't respond and to create a semblance of joy if you do.

i manipulate on a regular basis and my regular subject is myself. i tell myself not to expect anything different and that you're just like the others. why wouldn't you be? that night was not the night you fell in love with me, it was the night you came home with me. why wouldn't you be the same as the others that came before you? the ones i was never just friends with and never would be?

i tell myself all of this but still i put myself out there. i manipulate on a regular basis. this time it's to trick myself into thinking i don't care, that i've lowered my expectations, that i'm not waiting for your response and planning my next move.

1) Open this webpage in a new window: http://www.baby-to-sleep.com/

2) Listen to, oh, um, any song ever

3) You're welcome

sometimes i don't mind waking up to lukewarm liquor and beer

the taste of you on my lips

is the only buzz i need

dull life

lush life

sometimes

are the same

cold night

hot night

one doesn't

necessarily

cause the other

harsh words

stinging tears

these always

come together

and sometimes

the world flicks you off

and everything you think you know

isn't

dull life, cold night, harsh words

lush life, hot night, stinging tears

i used to look for you around every corner

and listen for your voice in every crowd

when we met, my heart fluttered,

and like a fool i thought that meant,

"at last," 

when in reality, it actually meant,

"not again."

love is just four letters but is one of the biggest words i know (and i know a lot, i like to read). no word of any other length - long, short, complex, simple, has the same effect on people. love kills, love hurts, love lifts you up then drops you. no other word fucks you up as much as love. but at the same time, it's wonderful. it's the only thing i can think of that people willingly go back to, regardless of how much it hurt last time. nothing touches love - it's powerful and disgraceful - makes a fool out of everyone and yet it's what dreams are made of, fairytales are based on and poems are written about. i love love - even if it does have a tendency to dropkick my heart.

close your eyes

hit the sheets

and dream out loud

in technicolor.

what are dreams if not enhanced reality?

love on

give vision to your hate

and live beyond your means

in your dreams

it's just for you

so do it big

my hopes and fears

are tangible only when

i'm unconscious

in the dead of night

and while i could deal

with more real life

dreams come true,

i'm okay with the situation

i have going for me now

dreams never let me down.