i spent enough time blaming the wrong people, namely myself.
it's about time i laid out justice
where justice is due.
freeing myself from self-imposed punishments and beatings.
clearing my mind of inadequacies
and what might have beens.
what might have been is i could be worse off.
you never think of it that way - that the alternate could be bad.
that the might've been you've been dreaming of is what you're actually living.
i'm starting to think of it all that way.
that this is what i hoped for
when i fell asleep smiling
and what i had to tear myself awake from.
i spent enough time imagining the other
when i should have lived the now.
a self-imposed punishment of greener pastures.
a corporal punishment of gazing too hard through the looking glass.
it's about dishing out due justice
justice to this world,
this life i'm living.
it's about taking the blame off of myself
and replacing it with praise.
what might have been has nothing
on what is.

so unamused
unenthralled
of living life
by unwritten conventions.
antiquated rules
based on age-old notions.
i live the way i want to live
with whom i want to live it with
regardless of what people say
and what they have "planned for me"
i'm not sorry i don't fit your
age-old notions
or live by your antiquated rules
i write my own conventions
living life
enthralled
amused.

leaves fall
under the sun
like splashes of color
raining down
onto a blank canvas.
a barren earth
laden with green
and blue
now covered in splotches
of burnt reds
browns
oranges.
leaves fall
under the moon
colors vibrant
but immeasurable
until the sun rises
and opens the world's eyes
to a fresh layer
of splashes
of color.
fallen leaves
leaves fall
behind

distance causes us to disengage
disregard the memories
and discontinue to feel anything anymore.
distance drives us farther away
geographically
emotionally
until all that's left are memories
that i don't keep anymore.
memories that don't affect me anymore
memories i don't remember anymore
distance is what i need more than time
sometimes.

my one wish would be for you to not look at me with such disdain when all i want to do is clear the sleep from your eyes. i don't want to love you, at least i don't think i do, but i do want to be there. and i know you want me to be there. so why do we continue to treat people like shit? that's why i'll never tell you i love you because if i ever feel that way, i'll know it's the beginning of the end. no one wants to chase something they already have. no one wants what is possible. at least, i don't. and those i do want - they don't want it either. why are we so afraid of love and its resemblance when it is what makes us feel our most alive? because of a few sad love songs, we've begun to associate sadness and love when really, they relate only occasionally. the pop songs don't affect us. love stories don't either. we only see the bad, only let the bad of the good take root. what's tragic is how we push away those that matter, surrounding ourselves with the dredges. we see the sadness in love before opening our hearts to its beauty. love might end up breaking your heart, but it always leaves beauty behind.

i don't need you to be the hero of my story

i can accomplish that all on my own.

dig myself into trouble, climb my way out.

that's how it was before you,

that's how it will stay.

i don't see your placement in my life as fate,

just coincidental.

i didn't expect you,

though i did enjoy you.

but i'm not looking for your place in my future.

i don't need you to be the hero of my story.

i don't need you.

doesn't mean i don't want you,

but that's another story.

rain smells different where you are. feels different. sounds the same.

it's always water falling from the sky, but alone, it is soothing, calming.

with you, it's exciting and fresh. it smells like brand new streets and new countries. it feels like music notes falling on my umbrella - playing a familiar tune. rain grounds me. wherever i am, it's familiar. flitting off to different locales - the people change, you change, i change, but rain stays the same. except for the way it smells, the way it feels. that changes. it changes us.

raindrops are different when we're together. they act like a wall surrounding us, saving us from the world when we walk hand-in-hand under an umbrella. it feels like a cleansing shower when we get caught outside unexpectedly. it feels like its washing away the dirt in our souls, making us fresh for one another.

alone, i love the rain when i'm not in it. it's no fun getting soaked to the bone without someone there to laugh with. it's cold walking by yourself under an umbrella - all sides exposed to the waves of rain.

it's always going to be water falling from the sky, but there's something about you that makes rainstorms worthwhile. like i've been missing out praying for sun.

sunny days never affected me the way rainstorms have. sunny days don't make me smile, cry, reflect and feel like rainy days. because of you, rain feels different, smells different.