don't be sad for me.

i know i haven't found your happiness

but i am happy.

don't wish the best for me

out of pity

i have the best for me

in spite

of the sideways glances

and the reassuring embraces.

i haven't found what you have

but our maps were different.

mine led me to endless horizons,

of chasing the sun over the dateline.

i want to fall asleep and wake up

on the other side of the world.

wish that for me.

wish for safe travels and many departures.

don't be sad for me

i found my version of your happiness.

for now.

my map is still changing

i'm still chasing the endless horizon

and one day i'll close my eyes

fall asleep

and maybe my dream will have aligned with yours

you won't have to be sad for me any longer.

my veins will be your map, guiding you to my center. every ounce of blood in me runs through my heart at some point. follow the flow, find the source. my veins will be your guide.

i bleed and my heart beats faster, trying to stem the flow. rush blood to where i need it most, don't let me bleed out. don't let me bleed dry. my heart knows when i'm torn and works harder to stem the flow.

my body, like myself, is not perfect. i break. i ache. i pull myself together, sometimes i let it all go. my body is not perfect. i break. i am broken.

my body is resilient. i am broken, there are ways to fix me. sew me. repair me. i'm never beyond repair. not until i'm not. my body will eventually jump back. it is resilient.

my veins will be your lamppost, illuminating your path. a sea of red. the color of the flame to guide you on your way. deeper. further. down to my very core. my veins will be your lamppost. offer stability, offer light.

every ounce of blood in me circulates. it sees everything, goes everywhere. follow the flow and you'll see all of me. follow the flow, find the source.

my heart. surrounded by a moat of blood, an armor of bones. find my center, find my heart. drenched in my blood, embrace me. my veins were your guide, they never steered you wrong. in my heart, in my center, do right by your guide. do right by me. do right.

back before maps, beating hearts lead the way. warmth drew warmth. bodies on an inexplicable path, seemingly without destination, until destination appeared. blood follows blood. back before maps, we crossed this earth on scent. we all followed one another, just a few feet behind. with no one in view ahead, they thought they were blazing their own trail, but they were simply following a familiar scent. uncharted territory didn't exist. someone's been there and others followed - not knowing they were following.
back before maps - life was about catching up to those in front of you. about finding, reaching that connection. it meant that when you made it - you were worth being there. back before maps, beating hearts lead the way to the reason your heart beat. life's purpose, your reason was clear. it's too easy now, but we still manage to get it wrong. even with maps, we're inexplicably on the wrong path.

time heals all wounds
but just wait.
in time, something new will come along
and tear it open again.
but then,
over time,
you forget about it.
you learn to be better
until some time has passed
and it all falls again.
but just wait.
time heals
the wounds
it's bound
to open
in time.

cities have architectural histories
and so do i.
the landscape of my life evolves thanks to my own wars and revolutions.

grassy fields
ravaged
savage tears
growth
destruction
construction
revolution
rebuild
taller
better
higher
stronger
sky's the limit
fall
ice over
thaw
rebuild
slower
better
solid
foundation
stronger
attempts at destruction
stronger
fortress
stronger
drawbridge
stronger

i can't describe it
no words come close
but i can close my eyes
and picture it
that's enough for me
i suppose.
but then that means i
can't share
the dreams that fill my
sleep
no words do it justice
so its mine alone to
keep
i try to fill you in
but no words i know
compare
to the way i feel in
my dream
when his hands, like wind,
ruffle my hair.
there's no way to explain
so i might as well not try
for to describe anything else
would surely be a lie.

all my stories, this story, makes up my history. fills up my gold-embossed addition to the world. my tales of love, of loss, of have and have not. my pages that sit next to your pages - all are filled with my most minuscule moments. the ones i can't remember and the ones i can't forget. all brought me here - all will lead me onwards. regardless of what i find relevant - every minute contributed. every person contributed. all those faces i've seen but never met have come together to make the one man i'll always dream of but never find. all the words i see but never remember make up the poems and songs i want to write but can't. all the things that barely touched the outskirts of my life affect me more than i can give them credit. my story is complete with them, yet incomplete without their proper annotation. my life is full of uncredited information and that drives the rest of my story. provides the fuel for the relationships i recognize and the words i love. all my stories make up this story. this story makes up part of my history. my history is affected and affects those around me. all our stories are but chapters in the grand scheme. in a grand scheme.