i can talk myself out of expecting to hear from you. i can talk myself into lower expectations. i do this to stifle the hurt if you don't respond and to create a semblance of joy if you do.

i manipulate on a regular basis and my regular subject is myself. i tell myself not to expect anything different and that you're just like the others. why wouldn't you be? that night was not the night you fell in love with me, it was the night you came home with me. why wouldn't you be the same as the others that came before you? the ones i was never just friends with and never would be?

i tell myself all of this but still i put myself out there. i manipulate on a regular basis. this time it's to trick myself into thinking i don't care, that i've lowered my expectations, that i'm not waiting for your response and planning my next move.